50 Shades of Green

It's not surprising that this pregnancy is strikingly similar to my last. Around week 6, my days of occasional morning sickness (beginning in early week 5) change into days of constant toilet hugging, nausea and the inability to keep anything down.  This was all expected.
Something that is unique to this pregnancy is the addition of a toddler. A toddler who, in my eyes, deserves the world, and all the loving attention her mama can offer.  In my previous pregnancy, I had a job.  It had regular hours, weekends off, and even the occasional sick day.  While being a SAHM has been my favorite career to date, my time clock runs constantly, and, unfortunately, the guilt of the way this pregnancy is effecting my first baby is the absolute worst side effect I have experienced.
My first major hormonal ugly cry happened this morning.  Luckily, Lyla was upstairs playing with her dollhouse, and after throwing up the grapes I had just sent Dustin to the store on a special trip to buy, I went into the living room, called the hubs over, and let the pregnant lady feelings flow.  It went something like this (just add in sniffles and the occasional gasp):

When I found out I was expecting, of course I was over the moon.  After imagining life as a family of four, my thoughts then went to life as a family of 3.  I knew having a baby would add so much to all of our lives, but I also made plans to enjoy this pregnancy and the next several months as my time as a mommy to one came to a close.  Initially, I was doing a great job of soaking it all up, and pouring into Lyla, but the sicker I feel, understandably, the less I was playing.  Instead of being in the play house with Lyla, I set up camp looking out from the porch to where Lyla played and tried not to move.  She has been so sweet to me it hurts; bringing me peppermints as I come out of the bathroom, and telling me I will feel better.  I  have also watched her immediately cover her ears when I begin to run to the bathroom.  I have listened to her explain to a friend, "It's okay...my mamas just frowin' up again!"  She has told me she doesn't like it when I'm sick.    I've seen frustration on her face when I tell her I need to sit down for a moment.  And this is only. week. 6.

I realize, rationally, that I have little control over how my body experiences pregnancy.  I can only do my best to keep our day to day as routine as possible.  I know Lyla may be annoyed with the nausea, fatigue and vomiting- personally, I'm SUPER annoyed with it....but she is also 3.  She copes with new situations in ways that amaze me every day, and I have to believe we will make our way through this transition together, too.  She's still a happy little girl at the end of the day, and just this morning she asked me, "Mama, why do you love me so much?"  (Cue tears again.)

In the end, the next several months may or may not improve.  They may or may not be really hard.  "Every pregnancy is different."  I can't possibly know exactly what to expect.  But there are some things I know for sure...
I know I won't feel like this forever.
I know my baby will be born.
I know the love in my heart will grow exponentially.
I know our family will be enriched.
I know every single one of us, including- and maybe even especially Lyla- will be blessed by the addition of this new life.
and that's all I really need to know.

Birthdays!

It's Lyla's third birthday!  This day has contained so many thoughts and so many emotions!  This birthday was the first time we didn't throw Lyla a party. The main reason is that there wasn't a good weekend for our families this month to all make it.  In the past, we have invited friends from church, but since we are not currently members anywhere, we felt that it would be silly to go crazy with a big party- undoubtedly Frozen themed- for such a small number of people who would actually be able to attend on any given weekend.
If I'm being honest, this decision hurt my Pinterest-loving-heart. I LOVE to throw a party.  I LOVE to spend months DIYing everything I possibly can, and ordering whatever I can't on etsy.

See?  I love it.
As an alternative, we decided Dustin would take off work on her actual birthday, we would get her something nice, and we would just have a "Lyla Day"- whatever she wanted to do, we would do it!  We started planning a while back, and she decided she wanted to make her own Frozen cake together to look like Elsa and Anna.  She also wanted to eat at Steak 'n' Shake (her favorite restaurant) for dinner. We told her we could go anywhere else she wanted to play for the afternoon, and she had planned for us to go to Chuck E Cheese. I accepted her requests, but a piece of me was feeling guilty for not turning our house into Elsa's ice palace and making Frozen themed everything.
So this morning, when she woke up, she was ready for her present from Dustin and I! He had stayed up late putting together a giant dollhouse, and it was waiting for her in her room. (It might be important to note that we co-sleep, so when she woke up, she was in our room).
Anyway....we walked her from our room to her room as she covered her eyes and hesitantly took each step.  When we planted her in front of the dollhouse and told her to open her eyes, she was thrilled!  She said it "wow!" several times, told us it was beautiful, and thanked us profusely throughout the day.   We spent the rest of the day playing with her dollhouse.  In fact, that's all she wanted to do.  All day.  Play with me & her dollhouse.
Throughout the day, we baked several round cakes (for stacking) and a dome shaped cake (that took twice as long as it should have to bake for reasons I'll never understand).  It was finally time to decorate!  Halfway through, I can tell that this is going to look very far from the youtube cake tutorial we were using as a guide.  I start silently planning to order all of her birthday cakes from here on out from professionals, and just as we were finishing up, Lyla looked up at me and said, "Wow! I love this cake! You're the best mama ever."  And that 100% did me in.  Immediate tears.  Immediate reality check.  Did Lyla appreciate her previous birthday parties?  Yes...she actually still talks about her Yo Gabba Gabba party every once in a while.  But do you know what she never mentioned about that party?  The streamer canopy I spent hours on.  The ruffled table cloth I slaved over.  The "on theme" names I had for every finger food.  She has only mentioned the people she shared that time with.

Because she doesn't care.  She doesn't care for a second about how Pinterest worthy her party is.  She cares that she was given my time, my love and my attention for a whole day.  I am almost certain I will again plan a giant birthday bash in the future.  (I don't think it's a waste of time.  I do think it's exciting for kids to see their homes transformed in their honor.)  But I hope that I don't lose sight of why I'm throwing those parties.  It's not to prove myself as a good mom.  It's not for my own pats on the back. It's because I love my babies so much my heart aches, and they will know that not for anything I make for them or any "thing" I give them, but by how much of myself I share completely with them.  My heart is full.

Meeting the Midwife

For this pregnancy and birth, we have decided to remain under the care of a certified nurse of midwife.  I am lucky to have known lots of pregnant mamas over the last 2+ years who are always eager to give me a review of their birth experiences with many of the care providers in our area. Based on the experience of the couples I have had the privilege of teaching combined with our own research and previous birth experience, we are confident and excited about this choice.  There are many great options for midwives in our area!  For our family, we chose to meet with Dawn.  Our consultation was last night, and we are excited to have her on our birth team along with my doula, Brandy.  Brandy was our doula for Lyla's birth.  She was so wonderful guiding us through our long labor, and I know that I would not have been successful with breastfeeding had it not been for her postpartum assistance.   We have our next appointment in March!
In other news, today Lyla said, "heyyy!  Your tummy is getting a little bigger."  I'm pretty sure she was just seeing my lunch, but it was still really sweet when she rubbed my belly and told me she was telling the baby "hi".
I'm feeling pretty well so far.  I was sick for a few days in a row, but after beginning to take ginger supplements, I haven't been sick  at all.  I'm hoping and praying that I continue to feel this great! :)

Something "Cuddly" for Our Baby

This evening, we were having dinner on the back porch when Lyla asked me if she could buy something cuddly for our baby.  Of course I thought that was super sweet and told her we could go find something at the store after dinner.  

We loaded up with Dustin and went to Toys R Us to find something soft! 

{Side note: She has been watching the Daniel Tiger "New Baby" episodes recently.  I think they're super sweet (I actually can't get through them without tearing up as of late)! We love Daniel and seeing him become a big brother has her really excited for her new baby!  Anyway- in one of the episodes, Daniel gives his little sister a panda bear.  So, of course, that's what Lyla wanted to look for, too!}

She found a super soft one she thought would be perfect!  She was so excited when we got home, she said, "I can't wait to give this to our baby.  When it cries, this will help it feel better."  This baby has a big sister that loves him/her very much!

As far as other baby news, I did have some morning sickness the past few days, but today I have felt much better.  I took a ginger supplement this morning and some new prenatals, so I'm hopeful that they will continue to do the trick! Other than that, I'm just suuuper sleepy, but if the toilet hugging is kept at bay, I'll count myself lucky to only have to to deal with fatigue. :) 

Start Spreading the News!

So, we estimate that we are about 5 weeks along.  SUPER early.  During our last pregnancy, we waited until 8 weeks to tell our family, and 10 weeks to tell any one else.  We still plan to wait a while before letting everyone know, but we didn't want to wait to tell our immediate family and a couple of good friends!  We did that all over the phone, and got excited and wonderful reactions.
Today, Lyles and I went to the park so that she could ride her scooter.  I also used this beautiful weather to take a couple of pictures for when it IS time to announce it to our friends. I love how they turned out! Now I just have to wait to share them. :)

Daddy of 2 and Big Sister News!

So, I just can't text or call Dustin at work to tell him I'm pregnant. I mean, I could, but it's just so not my style.  I wanted to tell him QUICK because I just couldn't wait, so I called and asked if we could come to his work and have lunch with him.  We do this fairly frequently, so it wasn't out of the ordinary.  I decided to make Lyla a "Big Sister" shirt, and to have her wear it when we went to see him.  We hopped back in the car and over to Hobby Lobby where I bought some Iron on letters, and then went home to get to work.  2 minutes later, I had this!

She loved her new outfit, though she had no idea what it said.  :)  We loaded back into the car, and drove to Yukon.  I wanted to tell Dustin in private, (so that I could take pictures, and because I wasn't sure exactly what his reaction would be.)  When we got to the hospital, I asked him to meet us in the chapel.  He didn't ask any questions, and he came in and talked to us for a bit before I asked him if he had seen Lyla's new shirt.  This is what happened next:

His expression turned quickly from confused, to surprised, to excited.  We had a great lunch, and then we went on our way.  We decided to tell Lyles when we had more time to talk at home.  I didn't know if she would "get it" or if she would have questions.  I also wanted to document her reaction, of course.  

Lyla has a pretty good understanding of pregnancy and babies because I teach childbirth classes out of our home.  She sees women coming in over the last 12 weeks of pregnancy.  She sees their tummies grow, and then, about two months later, she sees those families return with their babies for class reunions.  She gets the gist of it. :)  This is what happened when we sat her down...

I think she's going to be a GREAT big sister! <3

Baby on Board!

I woke up on February 6th, got Lyles dressed, and hopped in the car.  I needed a few things at the store, so we headed out first thing in the morning.  I debated about grabbing a pregnancy test (or two) because I really didn't have any symptoms (except for that missing monthly visitor).  When I was pregnant with Lyla, I "just knew" right before the 4 week mark -partly because I was all ready nauseous- but I didn't have that feeling this time around.  No "intuition" and, thankfully, no morning sickness. I went back and forth, and decided to buy a box.  

We made it home, and I took the test.  As I watched that little blue line appear, I went from nervousness, to disbelief, to overwhelming love.  I was so excited the first time I took a positive pregnancy test almost 4 years ago, but this time, I really understood what it meant.  Because, this time around, I could draw from experience...

I knew about the long wait of seemingly never ending pregnancy.  I knew about the morning, noon and night sickness, that stuck around from week 4-40+.  I knew about the aches, exhaustion and discomfort. I knew about the terrible heart burn (and that, contrary to google, it can result in a bald baby). I knew by the end of pregnancy, I would feel like my name should have "osaurus" at the end of it.  And that's all fine.  Because I also knew the feeling of anticipation of a new life. I knew the love I felt hearing Lyla's heart beating for the first time. I knew the feeling of those first little flutters shared between my baby and me.  I knew the feeling of somersaults and kicks that I could share with my family and friends (and the occasional intrusive stranger)!  I knew the excitement of the anatomy scan when we found out I was having a perfect baby girl with 4 working heart chambers, 2 arms, and 2 legs, and the cutest little alien head you've ever seen.  And most importantly, I knew the love I felt the first time I held her in my arms, and the love that has grown exponentially and inexplicably without limit from that moment as I got to know that little person, and watched her grow into a funny, sweet, beautiful little girl.

Nourishing a little life is the most exciting, terrifying, and wonderful blessing.  I'm so excited to get to know this little one, and will spend this pregnancy enjoying this time as a family of 3 before everything changes for the "even better".